A Morning of Salvation
“It’s okay to be a no one to everyone if you are a someone to the Holy One. Who He is in you defines who you are in Him.” -Ruth Chou Simmons
If you have every spent more than three consecutive hours with a toddler, you know that in that short amount of time, he or she will likely experience exuberance, elation, soul-crushing sadness, apathy, confusion, disgust, anger, unbridled joy, and some form of ecstasy. One could summarize it as the “toddler rollercoaster effect.” In the past month, I have undergone a similar range of emotions due to a variety of life events, not the least of which is parenting a toddler. My salvation experience that happened today, however, primarily relates to a particular moment in time that has been haunting me the last month as a significant “failure.” Yes, there is that dreaded word. Failure. Let me explain.
The past few months have been a very stressful season of my life. My mother has been very ill, and I have been involved in her care in ways that have made my head spin on several occasions because of the complexity of the situation. Taking on this responsibility, in addition to my normal family life, has resulted in my emotional and mental stability resembling that of a toddler. Basically, I have been in survival mode and the capability of my frontal lobe has been significantly impaired. During this time, I was asked to consider a position at an excellent facility very near to my home. I was absolutely qualified for the position. It would have been a great fit for my skill set. The financial blessing for my family would have been wonderful, should I have been chosen for the position. There were many benefits.
Enter, toddler brain trying to decide about applying for this job. Can you see where this is going? It did not end well. Not only did I correspond poorly with the Executive Director of the organization regarding the opportunity, but I also let my ego get the best of me. I knew I was qualified for the job and would be great at it, but my impaired mind was focused on another possible position that seemed more interesting to me. I barely gave the opportunity presented to me consideration. I did not spend much time in prayer about it. I lacked humility to even thank God or the director for the possible opportunity. I just assumed it was not the best option and said no. As a result, I have been internally scolding myself for the last few weeks. I have tried to stop. I know it will not change anything. I have apologized to the employer. I have told myself that this was a mistake and mistakes happen. And that is true. But here is the kicker, none of that has helped me to let this moment in my life go. Sometimes it is just hard, isn’t it? To really let something go.
Well, this morning our family was going through our Saturday morning ritual of playtime and pancake making. Our daughter is three, so in three hours we went through the rollercoaster of emotions – all of them, every single one. Then, as my little girl is about to leave with her dad to go see her grandparents, she climbs up on the couch looks at me and says, “rub my cheek mommy.” One of her favorite things is for me to rub her cheek softly with one finger, be warned not two fingers, only one. And in that moment, my mamma heart felt the overwhelming love for your child that cannot be explained. I sat there with her in a moment of complete tenderness and love, accepting the fullness of her toddler self. Admiring in those precious seconds the deep complexity of our humanity.
After she had left, I decided to sit down and have some time with God. It is a rare event that I am in my house alone. So, I decided to reflect on these past few weeks and the internal war of thoughts that has been plaguing me. As I began to read my devotional these words made me stop breathing for a second, “We are defined by what we believe about God because who we become is directly related to what we picture in our minds when we think about Him.” (Ruth Chou Simmons, Beholding and Becoming: The Art of Everyday Worship) My mind immediately jumped to the moment on the couch with my daughter. Since becoming a mother, my image of God has drastically changed. I find God to be so much softer, so much more loving than ever before. It occurred to me that God also accepts me in my fullness. God rubs my cheek too despite my tantrums, my mistakes, my whining, or anything that I do. I am holy because I am loved and because I am God’s child.
Does this mean that I have found more grace for my “toddler brain” this past month? Yes, absolutely. Does it mean that I am completely past what happened? Probably not. Yet, this morning I have experienced salvation once again. That mysterious liminal space where God comes so close and transforms both our inner and outer world so that we experience a new version of the life we are living. Is it perfect? No. Perfection does not exist here. But transformation does, and that is what I believe is the purpose of God’s grace is in my life. To transform me in a way that helps me to live differently, even if just slightly, today. So, here is my encouragement to you. If you feel stuck, if you feel like you have failed in a big way, if you feel like a toddler right now, take a moment and remember WHO you belong to. You may seem like no one in the eyes of the world. You may not be “known” on TikTok or in your professional field. You may be like me, trying to figure out how to be a stay-at-home parent and not go crazy, but there is grace. Real grace that is ours because we belong to a God who is always, always ready to sit on the couch with us and rub our cheek. May we experience the little moments of salvation that truly change us.