Stripping the Soul
“Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to die before you die – and find that there is no death.”
-Eckhart Tolle
February 3, 2019, the doctor pulled my daughter, Vivian Rose, from my body and she entered our world. I died that day, yet again. Everything that I had known as my life before that moment ceased to exist, my old life disappeared, and a new life began. Her life began and so did mine. She came out screaming at the top of her lungs, making the entirety of her presence fully known from her very first moments outside of my body. The piercing of the air in the operating room reverberated with all the power, glory, and grit of true birth. I understood the cry of her soul, I too was screaming. Screaming for the old me that had died and screaming for the new life that was coming. God was doing something very big.
Two years prior to giving birth, the Spirit spoke to my soul and told me that I would embark upon a journey of motherhood that would completely change me. My journey would strip me bare. It would be the greatest experience of the cross that I would have in my life. Becoming a mother would transform my soul as Jesus was transformed. I would experience death and I would experience life, over and over again.
I was thirty-five years old when God spoke this truth to my heart. I had been walking long enough with the Lord to know that it would come to pass. I could resist, I could say no to the invitation of motherhood. I knew, however, that if I consented, I would become a more whole version of myself. I also knew that it would be the hardest experience of my life thus far. I was right.
Motherhood is an experience unlike any other. There are experiences in life that may come close, but being a mother is a unique role. For me, I have surrendered my body and not just for nine months. I have had and continue to have significant challenges with the health of my body because of carrying my daughter and my c-section. I continue to go to physical therapy once a week. My chronic headaches and migraines have not disappeared as the doctors thought they might. Having a toddler scream at me multiple times per day for months on end is a special kind of hell when you have a daily headache. The exhaustion is real. These are only a couple of the challenges of being a mother, there are hundreds. Yes, I knew it was going to be hard, but I honestly was not prepared.
In addition to the normal challenges a mother faces, when my daughter turned one, we entered the global pandemic. It was a time when I felt like my role as mother was starting to make sense. I could get out of the house in less than twenty minutes, and I had found a rhythm with my daughter. I was excited to enroll her in school and to finally get some of my prayer and quiet time back that my soul so desperately longs to have with God. All of that vanished in a matter of weeks. Nothing about the last two years of my motherhood journey has gone to plan. Just like your life I imagine. Our plans, our dreams, our “vision boards” have been utterly wrecked. As Tolle writes, we have all experienced death, often multiple times in the past two years. Some of that death has been physical, some of it has been metaphorical. One thing we share, however, is that we have all known death.
For me, the continual cycle of death and resurrection has been soul stripping. My vision of motherhood included leaving my daughter with her grandparents at six months old and vacationing with my husband. That did not happen. My daughter has redefined my life. The global pandemic has redefined all our lives. We have had to find new ways to exist, new life amidst all the death.
I wish I had great wisdom for you in these spaces that are difficult and seem never-ending. What I honestly have for you is encouragement to stay. Sometimes the best I can do is simply to stay. Stay present in the pain. Stay present in the moment when my toddler is melting down. Stay present and do not run away. There is holiness in staying. I believe there is redemption there as well. Life does go on, no matter how slow it might feel in the moment. My toddler screams at me less these days. We laugh more. My headaches are still present. I still lose my temper as a mom sometimes. Some days I am supermom. Some days I just hang on until I can close my eyes in bed and thank God that the day is over.
Motherhood and a global pandemic have absolutely changed me. My prayers have changed, many of them are silent and I rely on the Holy Spirit to intercede for me because I am often so tired, I cannot even begin to pray and that is ok. Sometimes my prayer is simply, “Help God.” I also pray “Jesus have mercy, Lord have mercy” often. I try to find quiet that feeds my soul. But in this season, perhaps the greatest spiritual practice I am doing is giving my consent to be stripped entirely of everything I knew before February 3, 2019. Perhaps that will take the rest of my life. I really do not know. Soul stripping is a messy business. So, my encouragement to you today, as a mom and as a spiritual director is simple, but perhaps hard. Have grace for yourself in this season. If everything seems more challenging than ever before, that is because it is. If the only spiritual practice you can do is to stay, to hold on – that is enough. God is with us. We have not been abandoned. We are dying yes, but we will yet live.
(Originally Published in LISTEN – Spiritual Directors International)