Every Death Counts

“A thousand times we die in one life. We crumble, break and tear apart until the layers of illusion are burned away and all that is left, is the truth of who and what we really are.”                                                                                                 -Teal Scott 

After dinner she said to me, “So, would you consider becoming our next CEO?” Before I could even think, the words flew out of my mouth, “Oh no, I don’t want that job.” 

I was thirty-two years old. I had worked day and night at my non-profit organization for five years. Twelve-hour workdays were common. Weekends were often devoted to work. I gave nearly everything I had to that job. I wanted to be successful. More importantly, anything less than excellence felt like failure to me. I feared failure.

Many board members of the organization believed I would be a good CEO. I was honored by their faith in me. But, after working so hard for five years, half of my hair had fallen out from stress and overwork. I was beyond burned out. In my body and spirit, I felt I would die if I said yes. 

A part of me died anyway that night. Several months later I resigned my position because I did know now what else to do. My migraines were raging; my digestion was horrible; and I was exhausted. I was not physically, mentally, or spiritually in the place to lead that organization. 

When I left, I lost many things. I lost many professional connections and friends that I had made in my six-year tenure. I lost my status as a prominent professional in the non-profit sector. I lost the possibility of advancing my career in that organization. I lost my paycheck. I lost part of my identity.

For two years, I blamed the organization and its leadership for the significant stress and damage to my body. I blamed them for my decision to resign. But, I simply did not want to face the truth. Yes, there was pressure in my job, but I was responsible for my response to that pressure. I did not know how to set boundaries. I did not understand working that hard for so long could hurt me. I did not know that more effective communication could have changed my experience. I felt incapable of saying, “No, I can’t do that.” Somewhere along the way, I developed a belief that the word “no” was a sign of weakness, laziness, and defeat. 

After a brief one-year position of work at another non-profit, I finally collapsed. I needed to rest. I took a one-year sabbatical from work. During that year, I got married, finished a degree, and moved into a new home. I barely spoke to anyone except my family and close friends. I abandoned social media. I prayed for several hours most days. I wrote in my journal and tried to understand what exactly had happened. How did I get to this place of death? I felt my identity shifting and changing. I became dependent on my husband to take care of me as I fought to find my equilibrium again. The person I thought I was continued to die over and over again. 

That year I learned that every death counts. We tend to think about death as the final moment we pass from this life to the next. But, death is so much more. We truly do die a thousand times. We die when leave a job. We die when we break up with someone. We die when our body changes, or when we develop a chronic illness. We die when we lose our possessions. We die when we lose a child. We die when our best friend betrays us. Death is always a part of life. 

Death is scary because we never know what is on the other side of it. We do not know how our life will look after we lose our job title, our marriage, our friend, or our home. But I have learned that transformation comes through death. The thousand deaths we experience shape us. They reveal truth to us: the truth of what is important, the truth of who we are, and the truth of who we want to become.  

Four years after turning down that big job, I was living a new life. I was transformed by my choices and the grace that comes with death. Sometimes I still mourn the possibility of what might have been if I had said “yes” that night, but I have learned so many lessons from my “no.” I have learned how to be still and wait on God. I have learned how to loosen my grip and my need for control in life. I have learned how to set boundaries. I have learned that leadership takes many forms. I have learned that there is life after death and it can be surprisingly wonderful. 

So, whatever death you are encountering right now in your life, I want to encourage you. Death is not the end. Death is integral to transformation and leads to new life. There is pain, but there is also hope. Remember, every death you experience now changes you and your life, preparing you to draw your final breath with grace, gratitude, and hope for the eternal life to come.